Telepathy

It’s difficult to comprehend the gist of my mood.
Feels like I was sliced in half, and glued again.
My nerves stitched down by someone naïve.
I am little bit upset, but that’s insignificant.
I lie next to you, close enough to feel your breath,
but too far away to touch, as if my limbs are tied behind.
I’m happy to be here, but I’m also despondent.
Your teary eyes, black with smudged mascara, are shut,
and your heart beats like you’re trapped in a dream.
My nose so close to yours, I inhale all you release.
I lie wide-awake, I wouldn’t dare sleep.
Is it me? Is it someone new?
Someone old? I ache to know.
I imagine the worst, and wish to die on your exhaled breath.
Please tell me you didn’t let him in again.
Drained of all hopes, I wring for last drops.
My heart is shaking on my own thoughts.
I press my eyes shut to catch an unstable dot in darkness.
I don’t know telepathy, but I’m trying my best.
Darling, listen to me, in my head I repeat,
we’re not over.
We’re not over yet.

beautiful blur close up dawn
Photo by George Shervashidze on Pexels.com

18 Comments Add yours

  1. Very beautiful poem.
    “in my head I repeat,
    we’re not over.
    We’re not over yet.” Love it.

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  3. Wheelchair Girl in Lagos says:

    Very well written. I had all the feels 🙏🏾
    P.S. Thanks for liking my latest post 😁

  4. Wordsmith says:

    This is really excellent. You put well into words thoughts I’ve had but could not explain. Thanks for writing.

  5. ping says:

    I really like this! I’d say I enjoyed it, but that would be strange word to use here, I feel.
    Some observations, if I may (I’m a very feedbacky person & open to feedback, but I know not everyone is):
    In front of any “but” a comma seems to be needed, if the sentences have different subjects.
    I really liked the line “but too far to touch, as if my limbs are tied behind.”, but I feel the “behind” takes away some of the power.
    I feel like introducing the past with the “saddened” is a bit sudden… maybe “sad” would be rounder?
    The shut eyes and the heart beating as if trapped in a dream I’d join with an “and” instead of the “but” – the elements seem to support each other nicely.
    I would write “My nose so close to yours” – without the “to” it sounds grammatically peculiar.
    The emotional flow of the ending are amazing 🙂

    1. NEKNEERAJ says:

      Hi David, welcome to my blog.

      Your feedback is precious and on the spot. Everything I write on this blog is always first draft which means there are always some errors. However, it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate constructive feedback like this. I know they always help improve the content I write. I wish if you can go through my other posts (whenever you can) and be brutal. Sorry, if I’m being too demanding. Hahaha.
      You’re right about the sentence ‘… as if my limbs are tied behind”. The reason for using ‘behind’ is because if the limbs are tied at the front, it is still possible to stretch and touch the other person. If that makes sense? I’m not sure how to specify this detail because without it, it would defeat the idea of helplessness. Any suggestions?

      I’ll make rest of the changes you suggested.

    2. ping says:

      Hi Nekneeraj,
      thank you for being so open and accepting! I always (always!) have ideas and observations when reading of watching something, and sometimes I feel like they might be of value to others. Knowing when thy are welcome is of great help!
      I can’t do that too much, as the critical forces within me are stronger that the creative ones already. But if there’s a piece you’d like me to look at specifically, just tell me!
      About the limbs tied behind: I felt like the strongest image would be that of being paralysed – a feeling captured more closely by limbs being tied compared to the ‘hostage situation’ of them being tied behind the back, I think. But the with poems like these the language and imagery needs to be right for you more than anyone else. So don’t twist the expression just to achieve somebody else’s preferred impression! 🙂

    3. NEKNEERAJ says:

      Thank you David for being so kind. I would love to see you keep visiting here.
      Also, please leave a link to your site if you have another one. I can see only one post from 2017 on this blog of yours.

    4. ping says:

      I will! I’m just easily overwhelmed with impressions – and more often on Medium that here currently: https://medium.com/@loibl.david
      The 2017 tag I added, cause I was thinking about keeping track of when the post’s were written. Not sure, if that’s all that necessary, though 😉
      Are you writing on Medium or other sites as well?

    5. NEKNEERAJ says:

      Thank you David. I’ll check your blog soon. No, I write only here, can’t keep up with multiple blogs at a time.

  6. Nadine says:

    Wow, this was stunningly beautiful…
    “and your heart beats like you’re trapped in a dream. / My nose so close to yours, I inhale all you release.”
    Loved those lines.
    I agree with your analysis of “tied behind” in your reply-comment above. (Also loved the feedback given, and the way it was presented, in that constructive comment itself.)
    But yes I agree, “behind” needs to be there, perhaps, imho.
    If I personally would change anything at all about this poem, it would be the ending – I would have liked to see it left with “I don’t know telepathy, but I’m trying my best” as the final line.
    I think it’s just my personal preference… I would have liked to formulate my own meaning, i.e. read it as a tiny bit more mysterious, and a bit less overt… not sure if that would suit your mission with this piece though.
    You’re a brilliant writer – some of your topics hit a nerve, and/or quite frankly scare the bejeezus out of me – but your work is riveting, and I also love how you handle feedback.

    1. NEKNEERAJ says:

      Thank you Nadine for your thoughts and compliment.
      I think you’re right about ending the poem at ‘I’m trying my best’, and let readers draw their own meaning. But there is a reason for extra lines which may sound a little stupid. Ending the poem with ‘we’re not over yet’ hints that there was an actual relationship, rather than making it appear to be a pesky, one-sided/unrequited love or some serious psychopathic affair which is often disgusted even by the readers, especially when it is written by a man.

      I know this is ridiculous and you’ll say I shouldn’t be bothered about what people might assume, but the thing is if I’m not sensitive enough the whole message gets crumpled. You would know by now that the kind of stuff I write is often like a walk on a blade. I have to be really responsible with the end message my content leaves on reader’s mind. I hope it makes sense and I don’t sound like some lunatic? 🙂

    2. Nadine says:

      This is such a satisfying reply, and I’m thrilled you took the time, thanks for that. I loved your answer, because I think we agree on philosophy in that case, but only disagree in the execution of it.

      I don’t think your reasoning is stupid at all… :)) in fact, it’s exactly that reasoning that led me to rather have those three last lines “Darling, listen to me, in my head I repeat, / we’re not over. / We’re not over yet.” removed…
      It’s because those three lines, to me, as a woman, gave me the vibe of it being (in your words) a “pesky, one-sided/unrequited love or some serious psychopathic affair.”

      Until those lines, I didn’t know exactly what the circumstance was, but the rest of the text breathed appreciation and love for the other person. Whereas the last three lines (to me) reeked of possessiveness and lack respect for the other person’s freedom/desire/will.
      I’m not saying that the main character is either way, it’s just what this text, to me, conveyed.

      I love that you aim to be responsible with your text. That means a huge huge deal to me and, I’m sure, to many women/other sometimes-victimized groups as well.

      This sense of responsibility, in my view, is shown most of all in your comment interactions so far, so I applaud your care and attention to interacting with questioning/constructive comments.

      It’s said that the vast majority of (fiction?) readers are female, so I believe it pays to continue to be as responsible as you are aiming to be, even if all you want is not monetary compensation, but attentive and sensitive processors of your work.

      Thanks again for the response, xoxo n

    3. NEKNEERAJ says:

      I just heaved a sigh of relief. I’m glad the message was conveyed properly.

      I understand your perspective about last few lines. The thing is one can never entirely control the final message because some people (like you) will assume the soft side of a relationship (if there is no definite closer) while some would assume otherwise, that’s why the use of ‘.. in my head, I repeat’ makes it apparent that the guy is only reminding himself that there’s is still a chance to make it right rather than imposing it on his partner, also ‘we’re not over’ has a much softer tone than ‘it’s not over’ which thankfully I didn’t use. 🙂

      I really appreciate you for putting efforts and share your thoughts even though you had the impression of possessiveness.

    4. Nadine says:

      Yay (about the sigh of relief :))! And though we must agree to disagree on this little point, 😉🤓😁 I so appreciate this interaction. Love discussing these aspects of writing. Thanks for engaging, and see you again, around blogtown. :)))) xoxo n

    5. NEKNEERAJ says:

      I’m sure we’ll continue to do that from now on. Till then, take care!

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