Loner

Outside my living room’s wall-size window, there is a flock of pigeons, gathered on a telephone wire. They are cooing in broken chorus, like an endless chattering of immature, careless teenagers about their Instagram profiles. There is no pattern, no synchronization. Every pigeon has its own song, its own rhythm. I’m no expert but I can feel that they don’t care a thing in the world. They are happy to be in this mess in each other’s company. I’m not judging but it seems like a happy gathering of all dumb people. But for a moment I wish I could be as happy as careless as dumb as these pigeons, and shit on people’s head. I feel that being different in a sensible way is the shittiest thing that can happen to anyone. If you’re sensible and always trying to find meaningful things in the world, there are greater chances for you to end-up alone, unless you’re smart enough to act dumb and pretend to enjoy the company you hate to be in. Good luck if that makes you happy.

This is not the first time I had this thought. This probably is the theme of my life. When I was in Delhi, at the beginning of our evening shift, when employees gathered for tea and cigarettes, this was usually the view. I silently ignored them and sat on a lonely bench, looking at the changing colors of sunset on the clouds. I was never a person who could be fake and pretend to be a part of the crowd just because it felt awkward to be a loner. I always put my headset on so to avoid any conversation and when I saw anyone approaching, I looked at my phone screen even when there was nothing to look. People thought I was anti-social; they didn’t know that I too craved for a company but couldn’t stand shallow conversations like theirs. I observe people so I knew for sure who all didn’t belong to this brainless flock and were there just for the sake of a company. I could try to rescue them but after a lot of failed attempts in the past, I had my lessons. Now, I let people suffer and see if they can find their own way out, and end-up suffering alone, like me.

I watch these pigeons for another minute and when their song starts becoming a noise, I throw at them a cashew nut so they can fuck-off and gather somewhere else. There is a chaos for a moment as these dumb birds flutter away, and when they disappear from my sight, I find that they leave behind this geeky-looking ugly bird. It looks at me in silence, moving its head clockwise, anti-clockwise, as if trying to recognize someone. I feel like I just rescued him until it yells something in its language at me, shits and flies away to join its flock.

flock of birds on cable wire near brown concrete building
Photo by Frantisek Duris on Pexels.com

17 Comments Add yours

  1. Shiori says:

    When you said something about being different in a sensible way is the shittest thing to happen to anyone…. that resonated. It’s worse when you live in a small town cos you get termed as “weird” or “different”. Personally, it just leaves me wondering “aren’t these people seeing the bullshit they are engaging themselves into?”Glad I found your blog. I can relate. Keep writing! 👍🏼

    1. NEKNEERAJ says:

      I can feel you. All I can say is stay weird. Don’t ever change to be accepted.

  2. I suppose I have lived most of my life this way, but it doesn’t mean that you have to continue the pattern. Loneliness often comes from a place of fear where we think we won’t be accepted for who we are or that our ideas will be rejected. But how do you know if you don’t open up and try? Is it possible that some of the people you speak of are trapped in a cycle of going with the flow? Maybe some of them were loners once who never found their voice so they conformed to push away that lonely feeling. The biggest problem in this world is how technology has taken away our ability to communicate in person. It has connected people from around the world and opened up ideas that may have never been known to someone without it, but we lose the art of speaking.

    I thought the opening of this piece was beautiful and poetic and then it slid into a sort of rant. There might be a short poem in there somewhere. Have a great day.

    1. NEKNEERAJ says:

      Hi, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. After you mentioned, it started to look like a rant to me as well. Well, this is just one post and not my whole life. I happen to have found like-minded people in the same flock I mentioned. Maybe will also write about them in some other blog. I couldn’t agree less what you mentioned about technology.

      Thank you again. If you surf through my blog amid random ranting you may also find some uplifting poems.

      Anyways, keep reading and sharing your truest thoughts, I will consider them and try to write better blogs. Ciao!

  3. 2robins says:

    Absolutely! I love this post. I would have been sitting talking with you but at this point, that’s exactly what everyone expects of me. Probably a blessing.

    1. NEKNEERAJ says:

      Thank you. I’m sure you are a great soul for people to invest their trust.

  4. Very good, I feel you and can relate so. There is magic in it, when someone else speaks or writes what’s in your own mind. A feeling of connection, or recognition? Mirrors are we, if only we could stop long enough to see..

  5. Sandi Staton says:

    I’d leave the group and come sit with you.

    1. NEKNEERAJ says:

      Thank you Sandi.

    2. Sandi Staton says:

      You are so welcome. I’m a loner, too. I don’t connect well with shallow minds.

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