Open Up

Strange things are happening.

I feel I’m drifting toward OCD a bit more. Or is it just the repercussions of getting older? I’m trying really hard to not to be a part of social compulsions but since everyone around is so dripping in it, I cannot help but feel it is me who is odd. Or maybe because I’m so stubborn and choosy about people, my shrinking social circle is just a by-product.

I’m not in my comfort zone. One should never be in their comfort zone because that is where evolution stops. Yet I feel this comfort zone is like a thick, dark, heavy blotch of time and space with intense gravity that keeps pulling me in.

Those who know me, (but seriously?), knows that although I’m notorious for my seclusion, I’ve tried time and again to get out of this jar but fell right back in for being different.

One thing I learned is that once you swell enough in your head, it gets really difficult to shrink when circumstances demand to fit. There is simply no going back. But to balance it out, I’ve started keeping my thoughts to myself (even more) to not to scare the hell out of people who might think I’m lunatic who feels so deeply about certain things and nothing at all about everything else. I try to mild myself down to the mildest I can still it turns out to be strong enough. And then when I’m alone, I burst out like one’d gasp for oxygen after holding his breath for too long.

I’m completely different person with ticking hand of the clock, most intense and vulnerable by 3 am, that I scare myself.

I wonder will I ever get to open up?

– Zulkarnain Ismail

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